SENIOR STAFF WRITER
DISCLAIMER. THE TOPICS AND ISSUES COVERED IN THIS EDITION ARE NOT REAL NEWS.
… HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY.
In a shocking upset, Gateway Senior Staff Writer Jeff Turner has been taken on to be the starting point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers. This came as a shock to those who have known Jeff for a long time.
“Jeff is not the athletic, celebrity type,” said a childhood friend who declined to provide a name. “At school, Jeff was more like the kid who sat in the corner and complained about the fact that the other kids were going and doing something.”
Turner was undeterred despite the negativity from his friends.
“It’ll be awesome, I’ll change so much about how the team works,” Turner said “First off, they work too much, I get that I’m supposed to be a famous sports celebrity and look good or whatever, but man, it is so much work.”
Coach Luke Walton loved Turner, however. He noted that he enjoys the newest Lakers’ antics.
“My favorite thing about Jeff is how he’ll always make a point to show up 45 minutes late to practice,” Walton said. “One time he claimed he got trapped in snow in the middle of summer, and we all believed him until it turned out that he wanted to get caught up on ‘Shark Tank.’”
Few on the team are angry about this arraignment, claiming there would be no point in his addition, but almost all of them are completely confused.
“One of the few times he came to practice, Jeff started screaming at me and really losing his mind, and I’m just like, ‘I tried to pass the ball” point guard D’Angelo Russell said.
“Jeff works so well with the team,” Walton continued. “His chronic incompetence and grotesque lack of qualifications really bring a fun, positive air to the team.”
Basketball season eventually started and Turner got his first shot at the action. Or, at least he would have.
The game never happened because that was the day the aliens attacked. They came with their lasers and their broadswords, and they conquered en masse. Turner went up to them to yell, but they assumed he was homeless and ignored him, going on about their quest.
This country came into a deep apocalypse.
“It is now, more than ever, this great nation needs basketball,” Walton said. “That is why I would like to announce the newest starting point guard of the Lakers, Sophie Ford!”
Former Managing Editor of the Gateway Sophie Ford was baffled that she was being offered this job, but said she needed the money to buy dead rats for her family.
“I’m probably just going to sit in the corner, do nothing, and hope no one notices,” Ford said.
The Lakers ignored the aliens and went to the NBA Finals that year. All of the team members were riddled with joy despite the recent alien attack, except for D’angelo Russell.
Russell successfully high-tailed it to New Zealand because New Zealand is supposed to be lovely right now. The sun is visible, undaunted by sand, there are happy people, and most importantly, there are no aliens.