Future graduate committed when she failed to measure up


By Kate O’Dell, Opinon Editor

Friends and family of Kristen Flatchest are extremely distraught after the 24-year-old senior was committed immediately after a traumatic experience at the UNO Bookstore.

What started out as a great day for Flatchest, ended in psychological breakdown when she was attempting to put in her order for her cap and gown.  When asked for her bra size in order to place her order, she began to hyperventilate.  Other students watched as Flatchest was carried out of the bookstore screaming, “I’m beautiful! I’m beautiful!”

Sally Flatterchest, mother of the student, commented on how long she has been waiting for this day.

“I have been so proud of her achievements in academics,” she said.  “Despite her inability to impress with her chest, she was always able to eventually be recognized for her other good traits.”  

Sadly, unless young Flatchest is able to pull herself together, she may not make it to graduation to fill out her perfectly fitted gown.

“This is just a tragedy.  How could her parents let her go her whole life without offering plastic surgery?” says fellow student, Shondra Fakeboobs.  “It’s just too easy anymore, and we hate to see such a promising student have such shortcomings.”

Fingers are being pointed at the college for even asking such a personal question of a young girl.  The response from bookstore staff has been vague.  

“It’s just policy.  We want to make sure we know exactly how baggy their graduation gown needs to be,” said Nancy Notact.  “But of course, we want students to be able to get their concerns off their chests so we can keep abreast of these developments.”

Student Fran Funbags spoke highly of the policy and thinks that the bookstore shouldn’t be blamed.  “I’m just happy that the college understands how big this issue is for me.  I mean, I may be making a mountain out of a mole hill, but this is something that weighs heavily on me.”

Obviously, this topic is close to heart for many female students.   However, there are also male students who are speaking about the unfair nature of the policy.  “I mean, it’s sad what happened to that girl, but what’s sadder is that I don’t get a chance to put in my pec measurements,” says Bob Benchpress. “Now I have concerns on whether or not my gown will fit my amazing man chest the way I want.”

The reality is, no matter what size gown is ordered, there is not enough fabric in the world to cover up this massive controversy.