Campus Security to hold annual Parking Games

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By Kate O’Dell, Opinon Editor

After years of complaints and incessant recommendations to provide more parking, campus security is ready to make some changes.  

“We can’t just sit around and let the students think that they can just park in the parking lots,” says Joe Excessivefees head of parking at UNO.

This madness has continued to get worse as more and more students drive to school and expect to be able to park within 10 miles of campus.  At this point, the administration has no choice but to take the matter seriously.

“We tried to raise parking permits to a point that no one would purchase them,” Sam Robstudents says about the recent increases in the cost of parking permits.  “But students continued to waste their money on passes and we just can’t accommodate these high demands.”

 The solution, to hold a reaping the beginning of the semester and appoint two tributes from each college to fight to the death for their specific colleges right to park.  Prominent local alumni will be assigned to sponsor their undergrad tributes.  The amount of wisdom and advice they can provide is questionable considering their lack of experience in combat.  However, the sponsorships can be helpful in gaining campus support from faculty.  

“This is the perfect way to remind students that this is not their right, but their privilege,” says Excessivefees. “A privilege that we control and we can take away anytime we want.”

Student’s responses have been both positive and negative.  The opportunity to get recognition for their ability to completely annihilate other students makes for a great way to start the year out in infamy.

“Representing the college of communications in such an intense way just seems like an awesome chance to become famous,” says PR student, Tim Famehungry.  “Sure, I could die, but I bet that’d make me famous too!”

Susie Namedropper talks about the possible exposure for UNO in media.  “I bet like, Snooki, the Kardashians, Gary Bussey, Flava Flav and other really important people will band together and protest.”

All students are to report to the bell tower in August where the tributes will be announced.  No volunteers will be accepted, to make sure that there is no chance to save a fellow student.

Top campus official, Mark Needslaid commented on this severe rule. “Volunteering takes away the ability to completely control the games, which is the whole point really.”  Needslaid said, “We need to instill fear among students and put an end to parking complaints.”

Rumors are already spreading about the likelihood of hosting the games in Caniglia Field.  Seems that this is a particularly good space, as the size of the arena guarantees a quick result and can keep students contained rather well.  

“We knew that there would be some use for the football field eventually,”  Needslaid said. “This may even result in an expansion of the field into the parking areas in order to provide more intricate design over the next few years.  I mean really, the possibilities are promising for what this will do for UNO.”

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