World forests suffer as UNO wastes paper

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***All stories published in this week’s Gateway are satirical and should be treated as such. None of the stories printed are factual and do not represent the actual intentions, feelings, or actions of any of the people mentioned.***

Trent Ostrom
CONTRIBUTOR

A team of researchers at the University of Nebraska at Omaha announced Friday that the massive amounts of fliers passed out in front of the Milo Bail Student Center have directly affected global deforestation.

This announcement comes after a four-year study that examined the average amount of fliers passed out, how many a student receives daily and how many of the leaflets go straight into the garbage.

When the study first began, the research team chose ten “impressionable” freshman students to follow over time and see how many leaflets were handed to them by the time they graduated. Ben Darlington, fall 2015 graduate and research participant, explained his role in the study.

“Each week I’d pass by Milo Bail on the way to classes and for lunch,” Darlington said. “At the end of each week, I’d turn in the leaflets I had been given over the course of the week.”

By the end of his college career, Darlington had received 1,680 fliers. Professor Jonathan McDonald, researcher and victim of fliers, ex-plained how each piece of paper affects the environment.

“Every time a flier is passed out in front of Milo Bail, another weeping willow cries,” McDonald explained. “Forests only have so many living trees and the fliers seem to be seek-ing genocide.”

McDonald explained that fliers are not the product of a single campus group, rather a collective effort.

“From science clubs, to religious groups and greeks…everyone is involved,” McDonald said. “It’s like these groups are chopping down trees in their backyards to make these things.”

The study also found that a majority of fliers are passed out between the times of 11:00 a.m. and 1:00 p.m. This phenomenon is known as “the lunch rush.”

Photo Courtesy of gettsyburgdaily.com
Photo Courtesy of gettsyburgdaily.com

Christina Johnson, a sophomore and regular of Milo Bail, said the fliers frighten her.

“I go to the Milo Bail to eat in peace, not be bombarded with fliers upon my arrival,” Johnson said. “If I finish my lunch too soon, there’s a chance the same people who handed me a flier to begin with will hand me another.”

To the surprise of those around her, Johnson dumped hundreds of fliers she had collected over the past week onto the table as tears ran down her face. UNO counselor Thomas Bennington explained this is not the first case of flier distress that he has seen.

“Flier distress is actually quite com-mon for those who attend UNO,” Bennington said. “In fact, I had to see a fellow counselor to help me get over it.”

Upon learning the news of Johnson’s collection of fliers, the re-search team was amazed.

“Our estimate is that nearly 70 percent of fliers are thrown away within the minute they are received,” McDonald said. “It’s a 50-50 chance whether or not those pieces of paper will be recycled.”

In order to begin preserving forests, McDonald recommends other forms of promotion.
“A lot of students are on social media, and can easily determine what’s happening on campus and what their interests are,” McDonald said. “Go digital, save a tree.”

***All stories published in this week’s Gateway are satirical and should be treated as such. None of the stories printed are factual and do not represent the actual intentions, feelings, or actions of any of the people mentioned.***

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