UNO strives for drier campus

0
1563

***All stories published in this week’s Gateway are satirical and should be treated as such. None of the stories printed are factual and do not represent the actual intentions, feelings, or actions of any of the people mentioned.***

Zane Fletcher
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

A fleet of semi-trucks belonging to international online superstore Amazon arrived at the University of Nebraska at Omaha Thursday, March 24 amid great ruckus. By the time students arrived Friday, 32 boxes had been moved from the trucks and placed in an evenly spaced circle around campus.

While administrators were initially silent about the nocturnal maneuvers, their designs came to light in short time. By Monday, March 28, the cardboard had been stripped away, revealing incredibly large, industrial dehumidifiers.

Patty Johnson, spokesperson for Chancellor Christensen, said the dehumidifiers were part of an on-going effort to make UNO a truly “dry” campus.

“Our purchase of dehumidifiers to surround campus shows that UNO is committed to being at the front of the pack in terms of our zero-tolerance alcohol policy,” Johnson said. “We hope to create an environment where not only is liquor contraband, but it is also physically impossible to bring a liquid of any kind on university property.”

The dehumidifiers, which stand eight feet tall and six feet wide, require an enormous amount of electricity to continue operation, and the Omaha Public Power District has begun discussing plans to cope with the new need for power.

Photo Courtesy of wikipedia.com
Photo Courtesy of wikipedia.com

Students have reported feeling ill due to the ravaging effects such a large number of dehumidifiers can have on the human body. Sophomore Jane O’Malley was recently admitted to the University of Nebraska Medical Center with a case of severe dehydration, and is listed in critical but stable condition.

UNO administrators are still trying to find a way to pay for these machines, but one such administrator was overheard saying, “Oh, to hell with it. Let’s just tack it on their student fees.”

In related events, the convenience store located inside Milo Bail Student Center has seen an uptick in lip balm sales, charting a 1,500 percent increase over the last five days. This profit has been negated, however, by the loss of every beverage the store sold due to evaporation.

The university will hold a town hall meeting to discuss the dehumidifier situation on Friday, April 1.

***All stories published in this week’s Gateway are satirical and should be treated as such. None of the stories printed are factual and do not represent the actual intentions, feelings, or actions of any of the people mentioned.***

Comments

comments