UNO reveals band program cancelled for over a decade

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***All stories published in this week’s Gateway are satirical and should be treated as such. None of the stories printed are factual and do not represent the actual intentions, feelings, or actions of any of the people mentioned.***

Zane Fletcher
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

The University of Nebraska at Omaha band program recently received distressing news, as Chancellor John Christensen informed them that their program had actually been discontinued in 1998.

Joshua Kearney, UNO’s concert band director, was shocked to hear the update.

“I am astounded,” Kearney said. “Though I guess that explains why my MavCard doesn’t work… and why I haven’t been paid in 18 years.”

The loss of the program, though it was decidedly unknown, nevertheless shocked UNO’s activist population.

“I can’t believe UNO would cut the arts,” exclaimed Jocelyn Minor, an English major. “This is an outrage. I don’t care how long it’s been, we need to fight for their right to do whatever it is they do.”

Senior tuba player Joe Romano was inconsolable when reached for comment, though he managed to fight through the sobs to explain the source of his emotion.

Photo Courtesy of unomaha.edu
Photo Courtesy of unomaha.edu

“What am I going to do now?” Romano asked. “I can’t finish my degree, and I have no transferrable class credits. I’m going to have to restart college.”

UNO administration made a statement on March 22, saying:

“The university regrets any negative impact this revelation may cause. We neglected to inform the band of their termination, and their continuation is a result of years of negligence. We will now begin charging 18 years of band funding to student fees in order to recoup our losses. Once again, the administration is truly sorry.”

Students walking past Strauss Performing Arts building reported hearing “Taps,” the military funerary processional, played for hours on end by a lone trombonist.

***All stories published in this week’s Gateway are satirical and should be treated as such. None of the stories printed are factual and do not represent the actual intentions, feelings, or actions of any of the people mentioned.***

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