Opinion Editor Noah Diaz lists the ways college is killing
him slowly and brainstorms ways of getting out of it…alive.
Two facts you need to know about me going forward:
1. I’m a disaster.
2. I won’t graduate from UNO until 2017.
The first point is pretty self-explanatory. I mean, I could list for you reasons and examples, but I’ma need you to go ahead and take my word for it when I say that it’s true.
The second point is what you really need to focus on. Being currently enrolled as a junior at UNO, I should be planning my graduation for the spring of 2015. Lolz! Nope! My program is structured as such that most of the classes I need for graduation are only offered every other year – and in some cases, every two years.
Gentle reader, if you read that last sentence and were all like, “As if!” then go ahead and get in line because when I found out, I broke down. No joke, you guys. ****ING BROKE DOWN. I barely have the energy to go to class now, and you want me to keep it up for three more years?? Yeeeaaahhhh right. I’m exhausted even thinking about it.
So, in order to pull myself out of this slump, here’s a list of things I could do instead of finishing college. Woo hoo!
1. Open up a summer camp for sickly cats.
I mean, why not? Haven’t you seen those ads where they’re all like, “Old dogs can be just as cute as puppies,” and they show an old golden retriever taking a nap? THAT. Except the cats aren’t old, they’re sick. And they’re not cute, they’re sick. Whatever! Sickly cats for everyone!
2. Work at the Apple Store.
Because **** them for taking so long to fix my iPhone. I mean, what in the hell are they doing in that back room? Building a new phone by scratch? God. Hurry up. I’d whip them into shape FOR SURE. And I’d rock the crud outta one of those polos. So sleek.
Nope. I take that back. Nope nope nope.
4. Become a producer for a hit AMC production.
“Breaking Bad?” Whatever. “Mad Men?” Who gives a crap? “The Walking Dead?” Eye roll. The new show everyone will be talking about is whatever the hell I come up with…I’m tired, and I can’t think of what it’d be right now, but you better believe that stuff would be walking home with a thousand and one Emmy Awards. Also, it’d star me. And be directed by me. And be written by me. Call me the new Lena Dunham.
5. Sign on to become an extra for “Game of Thrones.”
Can you imagine?! Really though: CAN. YOU. IMAGINE? I’d want to be in all of the Dothraki scenes. I’d be all ripped and sweaty and running around like a goober. Then I’d roll on up to Emilia Clarke and be like, “You’re great and all, Khaleesi, but you’re gonna need to bounce outta here. I got this.” The producers would be so smitten with my brazen charm, and they’d sign me on for a full-time role. And a star is born, y’all.
Okay, I’m tired and bored. I had more ideas but my fingers are cramping. Meh.
See you in class, I guess!