Tips and tricks for navigating UNO’s social circles

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By Richard Larson

Impossible parking, attacks by LARPers and the imminent threat of walking into the wrong classroom. These things come to mind when a student imagines the first week of classes.

Fortunately, I am willing to give a few of my key survival tips to ensure social and academic success.

To begin with, be sure to make the right choice when selecting a new mode of transportation for your books and belongings. I highly recommend a backpack with wheels and a retractable handle that can double as a carry-on when flying. This choice will allow you to frantically run to class with success when running through crowds of people, navigating the slick hallways, whipping down staircases and sliding into the elevators in the nick of time.

Next, keep in mind what kind of threads you should be sporting. There’s a difference between “I’m available for a sidekick to the Crossroads Mall,” and “Ay yo! Let’s go shoot some hoops and swap recipe cards!”

Guys–if you are hoping to join a fraternity, buy the most spacious cargo shorts out there. While you’re at it, pick up a few NFL jerseys from the Goodwill. This will give you that “party like a rock star” and “ultimate brotherhood” vibe that will resonate well within the Greek community.

Ladies–I suggest a killer pair of Crocs. Perhaps you keep things spicy by wearing a different pastel shade on each foot? Throw on some sweats that have advertisements on the booty region, and complete the look with one of your dad’s old flannels. This look will project a classy, yet sassy, down-n-dirty image.

Attending the organization fair will be crucial to your social life. Spend a few minutes with five or six clubs to get to know what they’re about. Note: it’s only important to stop if they’re giving you something for free. Amongst the dozens of booths to visit, you’ll want to keep your priorities straight. How do you know which to choose? It’s easy. Go to the booths that have no lines and are purely academic.

School spirit will earn you major swagger on the Mav campus. On game days, walk around covered in black body paint, singing our school’s fight song and handing out Nutri-Grain Bars for spirit energy during the games. This will go over big with that hard-to-please athletic crowd.

Finally, knowing the hotspots on campus is highly beneficial. Everyone usually hangs out near Kayser Hall. If you do your homework on top of the Memorial Park overpass while jamming out to Taylor Swift, you will most definitely earn some new friends. It can also be fun to roast marshmallows and Oscar Meyers at the fireplace lounge in Milo Bail.

These tips will take you far into the depths of college success. Or are these the guidelines for what not to during the first week of college? I can’t remember for sure, but give them a shot and watch your Twitterverse explode!

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