DISCLAIMER.THE TOPICS AND ISSUES COVERED IN THIS EDITION ARE NOT REAL NEWS.
… HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY.
Gov. Pete Ricketts,
As the budget cuts to the University of Nebraska-Omaha begin to impact myself, fellow students and faculty members I would like to take this opportunity to insist that you find a solution that does not entail cutting funding to higher education. To help brainstorm solutions I’ve included a bulleted list of possible money-saving, revenue-producing ventures.
• Rent out Memorial Stadium (weddings, proms, bar mitzvahs ect.)
• Shut off the heat in ASH, the building is an inferno destroying students’ souls.
• Hire a dog as the new UNO Chancellor, pay him in dog treats and “who’s a good boy?”s.
• Stop letting Maverick Production take trips to Florida.
• Turn the Pep Bowl into a garden, students can sell vegetables.
• Convert the bell tower into a billboard, charge local businesses to use it for advertising.
• Shut down every department but the music department.
• Put dorms in Baxter Arena, the stadium might make money that way.
• Do not, I repeat, do not put a railcar in midtown.
• Fire all the professors and use Wikipedia to teach students.
• Replace faculty with fish bowls attached to robot bodies.
• Auction off the Durango statue in front of HPER.
• Just get rid of all parking spaces.
I hope these ideas help. I’d come with more, but it’s hard to concentrate while being sustained by ramen and the bleak hope that elected officials will decide that Nebraska Universities are worth funding.
If worse comes to worse, we can all transfer to Iowa State.
Sincerely, Jessica Wade A disgruntled college student