Tags Posts tagged with "April Fools"

April Fools

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Photo Courtesy of hollywoodreporter.com

Jeff Turner

1. Taxi Driver
Travis Bickle is a great character, and it’s impossible not to relate to him. But in an animated kid’s movie he needs to sing, and he needs to not be so down–even if that’s what every day of life is like when its unwise to talk about who’s in the basement.

2. Mad Max: Fury Road
This thrilling piece of the Mad Max series was gruesome and brilliant–but it could of truly thrived as a family oriented animation.Max’s passion sets a great example for impressionable children.

3. Seven
This movie would have been so much better if it had a happy ending. What if Kevin Spacey, Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman all hugged and they forgave Spacey for killing all of those people? Spacey didn’t even do that much to hurt them. He’s a good boy. Kevin Spacey should have been forgiven in a family friendly animated remake of “Seven.” He’s a good boy.

4. Blue Velvet
My lord, David. Too violent. Does Dennis Hopper have to breathe from a gas mask and hurt that poor girl? Why can’t he help the children instead? And who is Jeffrey Beaumont supposed to be a role model for? He just kills Frank at the end and that’s how he solves all his problems. Imagine if everyone dealt with their issues that way.

5. Boogie Nights
This movie is about. SEX. UN. BE. LIEVABLE. Just when it seemed movies couldn’t be a more immoral, they go and make a movie about sex. Instead of making “Boogie Nights” about S-E-X, let’s make it a remake of “Explorers.” Fun for the whole family and no satanic behavior!

6. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
Why make a movie about a serial killer and market it to children? Really, studios? He should be a serial juggler. He goes around, and he juggles balls and oranges for all the kids and everyone’s happy. Henry should learn a lesson at the end about how to be nice. Make a nice movie. These movies are unacceptable for role models like Hollywood producers.

7. Midnight Cowboy
This Oscar winner about a male prostitute was good, but it was just too inappropriate for kids! Why not make him a professional juggler? That’s much more fun. Mov-ies these days are way too inappropriate, not like the old days.

8. A Clockwork Orange
This Stanley Kubrick classic was too inappropriate for kids in its original form. What if instead of brutal sexual assault, Alex and his Droogs gave people hugs? That’s not all, instead of being addicted to sex, Alex can be addicted to puppies. Here’s a puppy. He’s really loveable, his name is Sheldon

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Photo Courtesy of bbc.com

Will Patterson

University of Nebraska at Omaha Theater will be producing the first ever rendition of “Harambe: The Musical.” The musical about the life and death of America’s favorite gorilla is written by UNO graduate and Broadway Playwright Eric Bloom.

“This has potential to be the next ‘Hamilton,’” Bloom said. “This is a tale about another American hero who died tragically to a gunshot wound.”

Bloom said the inspiration for the musical came to him during the revival of interest in the estranged gorilla. His personal belief is that Harambe has a story worth sharing, and it would be wrong not to memorialize his story through choreographed music and dance.

But storm clouds are already forming above Bloom’s masterpiece. Several activist groups have come forward to protest the performance and the university. Additionally, many students are planning to avoid the performance all together, in fear of spurring further conflict in their lives.

“Wait, people are still talking about the gorilla?” said one stu-dent. “Hasn’t that joke been dead for months?”

One individual vehemently opposing the production of “Harambe: The Musical” is the person who was ordered to pull the trigger on the beloved Cincinnati Zoo gorilla.

“That gorilla ruined my life,” said Harambe’s killer, who spoke only under the condition of anonymity, “I’m in the witness protection program because of that gorilla. Every night I fear that one of his loyal disciples will finally find me.”

The killer of Harambe once again fears he or she will be pushed into further secrecy if “Harambe: The Musical” ever makes it to the stage.

Despite the opposition, Bloom is determined to go through with “Harambe: The Musical.” In all the performance will include 17 original songs, one for each year of the gorilla’s complex and difficult life. The run time of the show is estimated to be three and a half hours of nonstop singing and dancing.

“I found that Harambe faced a lot of the difficulties that most students face every day,” Bloom said. “Just like the typical college student—he felt trapped, and all he wanted was to throw small children.”

These difficulties are portrayed through catchy musical numbers, such as “Get Out Of My Enclosure.” Audience members will be encouraged to sing along and participate in the emotional journey of “Harambe: The Musical.”

“My only regret with the production is that we weren’t able to get an actual gorilla,” Bloom said. “The folks at the Henry Doorly Zoo can be so difficult to work with sometimes.”

At the time of publishing, the Cin-innati Zoo had refused to com-ment on the matter. Calls were answered with: “This isn’t the phone number for the Cincinnati Zoo. Please stop calling my home. You’re scaring my wife and children.”



Jeff Turner

Last week, the hotly anticipated conclusion to the Paul Blart: Mall Cop trilogy was released. Controversy ensued as directors were afraid to take on such a daunting project. Francis Ford Coppola’s effort behind the camera for the second film was nominated for 13 Oscars, taking home 7, including best supporting actor for Michael Caine as Blart’s estranged father, Adrian Lestrange Blart.

The first shot of the trailer is Blart standing by a grave. This is a reference to the cliffhanger ending of the last film, where Blart’s daughter, Elizabeth (Jennifer Lawrence) was murdered by his archrival, Demetrius Excalibur (a three-tier performance ala “I’m Still Here” with Leonardo Dicaprio, Michael Fassbender, and LL Cool J).

This new film appears to focus on Blart assembling his old team to seek vengeance. He is seen briefly speaking with his old friend from the previous film, Arthur Hendrix (a CGI Orson Welles). Hendrix was the enforcer on Blart’s squad, an old Vietman veteran who successfully cut the head of the great drag-on Antopholomolopous. A living legend in this universe played by a living legend.

“Getting Orson was tough” said Jack Charles, animator at Industrial Light and Magic. “We had to get the rights from his estate, and then we had to break into the cemetery where he was buried and dig up his bones.”

Also in the trailer, Blart’s cyborg-bear sidekick Harold (voice of Dwayne the Rock Johnson). Harold died in the previous film, but rose from the tomb near the end.

“It’s symbolism,” STET director Francis Ford Coppola said. “It’s, like, religious, and stuff. You know what I mean?”

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3, in the tradition of the other two, will be handed off to a new director. That director is acclaimed auteur Rob Cohen.

“I want to bring a lot of youth to the ‘Blart’ movies. Before they were just dry and stuffy. Stuff for intellectuals, or, like, whatever,” Cohen said in a public statment. “Well I’m taking a stand. No more intellectuals at Paul Blart movies!”

Pedestrians applauded.

The movie’s plot appears to center around the Blart finally facing down his nemesis Johnny Loiter (Kid Rock) and seeing justice done for his family. There is a glimpse of a fist crashing into Johnny Loiter, but we see no more past that. Kevin James worked out a considerable amount for this, as he does whenever a new Blart movie makes the rounds.

“I’m used to the routine” James said. “I eat twelve eggs a day, drink a gallon of milk, and then snort raw protein. You didn’t think that was possible, but science found a way. It always does.”

“Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3” comes out July 25, opening opposite Avengers and Justice League. Critics eagerly wait to see the thrilling, an likely smash hit, conclusion to the Paul Blart series.

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Photo Courtesy of harpersbazaar.com

Will Patterson

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
You know when you’re right. Get into a huge argument in your political science class. Refuse to concede.

Pisces (February 19- March 20)
What do you know? You’re another Pisces thinking they’re too smart to believe in horoscopes. Well you’re right. These are incredibly stupid.

Aries (March 21- April 19)
You need some socialization. Hang out with some of the doomsayers the next time they’re screaming at people on campus.

Taurus (April 20- May 20)
Lucky you! You have the same astral sign as George Clooney. There isn’t really anything else you need to know.

Gemini (May 21- June 20)
Go out and have some fun! Take your Scorpio friend to a late-night breakfast at Denny’s.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)
Who in their right mind named this astral sign? Seriously, they could have just called it “crab.” Sorry for whatever loser has this as their sign.

Leo (July 23- August 22)
Good fortune is your future! Liquidate your savings, drop out of school and invest in pumpkin farms.

Virgo (August 23- September 22)
A big change is coming up in your life. Change your major to a communication degree. If you’re already a communications major, then switch to a real major.

Libra (September 23- October 22)
The revolution is at hand! Pick up some anarchist literature and don’t stop talking about it.

Scorpio (October 23- November 21)
Fight your Gemini friend in a Denny’s parking lot.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)
Treat yourself. You’ve earned it. You are hardworking, great looking and the same sign as the guy writing these ridiculous horoscopes.

Capricorn (December 22- Janurary 19)
Try to stop a Leo from investing in pumpkins. That can’t be a good investment.

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Jessica Wade

Gov. Pete Ricketts,

As the budget cuts to the University of Nebraska-Omaha begin to impact myself, fellow students and faculty members I would like to take this opportunity to insist that you find a solution that does not entail cutting funding to higher education. To help brainstorm solutions I’ve included a bulleted list of possible money-saving, revenue-producing ventures.

• Rent out Memorial Stadium (weddings, proms, bar mitzvahs ect.)
• Shut off the heat in ASH, the building is an inferno destroying students’ souls.
• Hire a dog as the new UNO Chancellor, pay him in dog treats and “who’s a good boy?”s.
• Stop letting Maverick Production take trips to Florida.
• Turn the Pep Bowl into a garden, students can sell vegetables.
• Convert the bell tower into a billboard, charge local businesses to use it for advertising.
• Shut down every department but the music department.
• Put dorms in Baxter Arena, the stadium might make money that way.
• Do not, I repeat, do not put a railcar in midtown.
• Fire all the professors and use Wikipedia to teach students.
• Replace faculty with fish bowls attached to robot bodies.
• Auction off the Durango statue in front of HPER.
• Just get rid of all parking spaces.

I hope these ideas help. I’d come with more, but it’s hard to concentrate while being sustained by ramen and the bleak hope that elected officials will decide that Nebraska Universities are worth funding.

If worse comes to worse, we can all transfer to Iowa State.

Sincerely, Jessica Wade A disgruntled college student

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Photo Courtesy of Smallville Wikki

Jeff Turner

The 2020 election had more twists and turns than anyone in the media would have ever seen coming. First, there was the announcement that President Trump would get primaried by a relatively unknown entrepreneur from Gotham City. People didn’t even know where Gotham was, and are still sure. Reports place it somewhere between Seattle and Portland.

Bruce Wayne is young, charismatic, richer and his record showed that he was generally better at business than President Trump. He took the lead quickly. (Ted Cruz was also in the race too, but he didn’t last very long. He did however, take home the Guinness World Record for longest time crying like a little baby during his concession speech.)

The Democrats were equally chaotic. A record breaking number of 25 candidates were in the Democratic primary. Included were ex-pected choices like New York Senator Kristen Gillibrand, California Senator Kamala Harris, Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren and Minnesota Senator Al Franken. None lasted long.

The incoming candidates were eclectic to say the least, including disgraced comedian Bill Cosby, campaigning on loosening up regulations on sex crimes, along with Kim Kardashian, who had to run after she was forced to ground husband Kanye West for refusing to clean his room, and Vermont Senator Robo-Bernie Sanders.

“I want to make robotic enhancements accessible to everyone, they are really cool and I can shoot laser out of my eyes. This is the major theme of my new campaign, giving everyone laser beam robot eyes, and not just the top 1 percent of the top 1 percent!” Sanders said in an interview.

It got stranger, President John F. Kennedy ran for president again.

“I was saved at the last minute, and taken to live on an island with Kurt Cobain, John Lennon and Tupac. They’re rad dudes. Lots of babes there.”

The other Kennedy’s had mixed feeling about his return.

“I-i-i-i-i-i-i watched you die” muttered former ambassador Caroline Kennedy as she rocked back and forth in a fetal position.

“I was going to run for president this cycle, now what am I going to do?” said annoyed Massachusetts Representative Joe Kennedy.

Kennedy wasn’t the only former president returning. There was scandal when the reanimated corpse of former President Franklin Roosevelt entered the race. There were rumors that former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton used dark magic to revive him.

“Me? Dark magic?” Clinton laughed disingenuously. She then awkwardly dougied out of the room before any more questions could be asked. It was not easy, as she had an inexplicable mechanical arm for her right arm and a mechanical leg for her left leg.

The rumors went unproved.

It was a chaotic primary, with Kardashian accusing Cosby of trying to roofie her, he then had to withdraw.
“That is unacceptable. You must lay the moves on the ladies like a gentleman,” responded President Kennedy, who was later seen out with Mrs. Kardashian.

The winner of the primary, was re-animated President Roosevelt. He still had it. Bruce Wayne, like-wise, won on the Republican end. Zombie FDR nominated Hillary Clinton as his Vice-President.

“No, I am not pulling the strings, here!” Clinton later yelled to a sup-porter at a rally.

Wayne nominated former Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels, as he realized he could unite the party.

“I’m just fascinated by Bruce’s work ethic, I think he could actually do some good for the country, I truly admire the man” the Governor later responded.

The election was hot, with President Roosevelt drawing strong hints that Bruce Wayne had elicit ties to the Gotham vigilante Batman, which remained unproven. He even ran an ad with someone who claimed to be Batman’s archnemesis, The Joker…but it was the Jared Leto Joker so the ad tanked.

Roosevelt appeared to lead in the polls, before Bruce Wayne pulled a surprising sweep, taking the Presidency. Former President Roosevelt died before he could make his concession speech while Clinton locked herself in her hotel room.

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James Hill

The Gateway has recently received an odd letter written in all crayon with no return address. The content of the letter is as follows:

My beautiful Moscow Mule,

Our relationship is being leaked by untrustworthy folks. My people cannot figure out who these leakers are.

The Chinese are always lying and attacking me, like climate change. The climate does not change, folks know that. I know the climate is very beautiful at every Trump golf course. I need to show you how to golf. It will be like Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore making that vase. You and Demi Moore have very similar hands, by the way. Very manly. Very hairy. Very huge. Very beautiful. The climate would just get better if folks used clean coal. Nothing is cleaner than coal. Nothing. Have you seen coal miners? They are the cleanest folks around. I must admit though, I love Chinese food. I can hold some orange chicken all by myself unlike those nasty double cheeseburgers. How can any-one hold those? I have huge hands and I still cannot hold them. Good thing the intern, Ben Carson, has even bigger hands than me, he must be from the NBA, so I have him hold the burgers for me.

I asked Steve Bannon what we should do to keep our relationship under wraps. He said he had a thing to do with Richard Spencer and disappeared into a closet. They must have been Skyping or something because there was a red glow coming under the door. He keep saying “Natas liah” over and over. Is that French? I have no idea. I do not speak any mumbo jumbo. I speak American. The Badman, that is Steve’s cool nickname that I made up, comes out of the closet with his favorite white hood on, it must be his thinking cap, and says he has an idea: we need to talk about health care.

Who would have thought health care is so complicated? There is just too much stuff involved so I had a pow-wow with my peeps about what we should include. Linda McMahon suggested that we keep maternity leave. That is just dumb. Babies do not come from women, folks know that. They come from storks, I have seen the Pixar documentary so I know what I am talking about. Jared Kushner, his nickname is Kushkush, suggested that we include mental health coverage like being artistic. Why would we cover that? Folks do not need a pat on the back for painting like Bob Ross. Bob Ross is overrated. His hair is too big and dumb.

Too bad those pesky Democrats, like Nancy Pool-osesi and Elizabeth Warr-dumb, will try to stop us from helping folks. I call Nancy Pelosi Poolosesi because she loses bigly and smells like buffalo butt breath. Elizabeth Warren is dumb so I call her Warr-dumb. I come up with the best nicknames. The best. No one makes nicknames better than me.

No one.

Oh god. Sassy Sally Yates is trying to break down the door. She wants to talk about Mike Fly-in, that is Michael Flynn’s cool nickname, and the Motherland. Devin Nunes is freaking out. He is not good in stressful situations, unlike me. Nunes finally yells “We can’t have this meeting. I’m…naked.” Perfect diversion. Nunes is fat, ugly and a cow. No one wants to see that. He looks like the male version of Rosie O’Donnell. Gross.

I have to go. Badman is going to let me sit in the big desk. I am really excited. I will see you soon my huge, beautiful grizzly bear.

Lots of love, Your Orange Sherbert XOxoXXoo Disclaimer: This is 100% fake.

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Cassie Wade

As the university prepares to say goodbye to Chancellor John Christensen the search for a new chancellor is underway. Finding a replacement to fill the shoes of a man who has done an exemplary job for the past decade will undoubtedly prove difficult. So, rather than hiring someone who could prove to be a disappointment, the university should hire a dog instead.

A few reasons why a dog would make a excellent chancellor:
1. A dog can be paid in treats.

A human chancellor would expect to be paid upwards of $500,000. A dog would be happy to accept payment in the form of a bag of $5 dog treats. With impeding budget cuts wreaking havoc on UNO, a dog chancellor is a win-win.

2. College kids love dogs.

Students come to college and become dog deprived. Having a dog chancellor would mean students could see a dog on campus everyday. Student happiness would increase ten fold.
3. Dogs are photogenic.

The next UNO chancellor is going to be involved in many pho-to opts. Dogs are photogenic, adorable and never have to worry about coming up with a matching outfit.

4. The Chancellor approval rating would be 99 percent.

Pretty much everyone alive loves dogs, so of course a dog chancellor would be adored. The one per-cent disapproval rating accounts for the poor unfortunate souls allergic to dogs.

5. Dogs are cuddly.
College students get crushed by their workload and social life, which makes them sad. All students need to feel better is a nice, long snuggle with a dog. You could cuddle with a human chancellor, but that could be awkward.