Written by Noelle Ashley
Attention All Men: have you ever wondered why women travel in possies to the restroom? Don’t answer that, I know you have–and it has been eating at you for your entire short life. No woman is ever spotted entering the bathroom alone. Today, for you, I am going to reveal answers to all of your lifelong inquiries. I’ve seen a man dying inside, so desperate to know the mystery behind the door that he couldn’t wait any longer–he took charge, busted through the women’s bathroom and left with a body full of welts and an ear-full of high-pitched screeches. Although a bold attempt, he got nothing but tears and empty hands for his brothers back at the table. Lucky for you, the jig is up–here it is: the truth behind the door.
Since the beginning of time, women have traveled in packs, much like animals. Women are also closely comparable to satellite radio–one lady has to flee to the restroom and before you know it, ten more robo-women receive the signal and are prepared to gather their salon-in-a-bag for make-up hour. That’s right: straighteners, curling irons, lipsticks, nail polish–it’s time to set up camp. A lot of men might wonder, “Are they talking about us?” The answer is: what are we not talking about? As if you boys didn’t get enough ear-full of which lipstick we are trialing this week, the conversation goes on–you’re welcome we spare you the agony of listening twice.
Did You Know?: Dr. Phil and Stacey London (TLC’s “What Not to Wear” Fashionista) often appear in many women’s bathrooms. True story. When a sister is going through a harsh break up or outfit crisis, don’t you fear–all the ladies in the club will pitch in their two cents on quality relationship advice: “Men are seriously pigs, you can do better, sorry not sorry.” And of course the professional insight on what shade and scent suits you best by the swapping of lipstick, eye shadows and perfume to aid your blind date disaster: “Oh my god, I can’t even,” is a common response when a female discovers her perfect lip-shade- win. Chances are, all or most of the women that went into that bathroom are going to come out with matching lipstick and a waft of berry delight perfume will come spilling out that door, smelling like the inside of a Bath and Body Works.
Another regular set of questions from the concerned men awaiting their beauties: Why do women feel the need to spend so much time in there? Is somebody sick? Did they get kidnapped on the way back to the table? The answer: negative, ghost rider. Beauty is time and time flies by in the salon/therapy/twerk-off room when girls are spritzing and gossiping. The problem with women is we love to talk. Shocker, huh? The more women in the restroom line, the longer it will be until your freshly pampered honey makes it back to the table looking like America’s Next Top Model. Women are best at four things: making friends with complete strangers, plotting against ex-boyfriends, gobbling over generic gossip (i.e. “he said, she said”) and hoarding make-up. Or, as Jenna Marbles might refer to women as: “Goo Hoarders.”
So, there you have it boys. The women’s restroom transforms from a salon to a therapy office and the occasional twerk-off dance floor. Save yourself from the salon-in-a-bag clocking you in the face leaving you with nothing but a shiner and instant regret. The next time you ask your date, “Why were you in there so long?” and the same answer comes out, “just chatting,” you can smile back at her, secretly knowing the truth behind the door: Mayhem.