Pending castration of Durango prompts protests

Pending castration of Durango prompts protests

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Charlotte Reilly
CONTRIBUTOR
DISCLAIMER. THE TOPICS AND ISSUES COVERED IN THIS EDITION ARE NOT REAL NEWS.
… HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY.

Students at the University of Nebraska at Omaha chant “Save the balls!” in an attempt to save Durango the Maverick from castration this week.

UNO officials voted to castrate the bull after Durango impregnated a local cow.

“The new budget cuts are making it hard to support Durango,” the UNO Chancellor said. “We can’t afford to support a herd of baby bulls and heifers.”

Officials plan to sell the calf to Omaha Steaks in order to pay for the mother’s medical bills.

Students have been marching around the bull since the announcement last Monday. Protesters, who have nicknamed themselves the Mad Cows, hold signs reading “Mess with the balls, get the horns!” and “Stop this bull****, save the balls!”

“There is no respect in today’s society. No respect at all,” said UNO sophomore Pat Bunderson. “Durango should be allowed to have as many children as he wants without fear of them being taken by Omaha Steaks.”

Omaha Steaks officials said “We are not the villains here!” when asked why they agreed to buy the calf. The company claims it will provide adequate care for the calf until it is old enough to be slaughtered.

“Durango’s calf will be in good hands,” the Omaha Steaks President said. “We will make sure to sell the beef back to Durango’s Grill in the Milo Bail Student Center as tribute to the bull.”

Eating Durango’s baby goes against protesters’ morals.

“I do not want to eat a new member of the UNO community,” said Gordan Bombay.

UNO junior Amanda Heinder. “Welcome to UNO; we eat your children. What kind of message is that?”

A GoFundMe page has been created to raise money to support Durango’s baby and stop UNO officials from castrating the bull.

The GoFundMe page, titled No Bull Left Behind, pleads with UNO students, faculty and community members to donate.

“If we prove we can take care of Durango’s children, maybe officials will stop this madness,” one Omaha vegan said.
Protesters plan to use the pep bowl to raise the calves and put a fence around it to deter potential poachers.

“Omaha Steaks is going to build that fence, and they’re going to pay for it too,” sophomore Kina McToshin said. “Even thinking about grilling our beloved Mascot’s offspring is a crime against COWmanity.”

So far protesters have raised $14,763.42 on the GoFundMe page. The goal is $75,000. The money will be used to build a safe environment for any future calves Durango may have.

“Come on people this is unBULLevable! Don’t be selfish,” protesters said Monday. “Think of the children. Would you like it if your child was grilled with a side of fries?”

The Omaha Police Department is monitoring the protests.

“This is the largest cow protest since December, when that semi tipped,” an Omaha Police Officer said. “It is UDDERly impossible to stop these protesters from marching.”

Durango has kept silent during these protests and instead is focusing his time on caring for Moolinda, the mother of his unborn calf.

Protesters are now reaching out to PETA to resolve the issue.

“I hope PETA can help save Durango’s balls and his calf,” McToshin said. “If they can’t, I’ll hate them forHEIFER.”

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