Mysterious letter from Moscow


James Hill

The Gateway has recently received an odd letter written in all crayon with no return address. The content of the letter is as follows:

My beautiful Moscow Mule,

Our relationship is being leaked by untrustworthy folks. My people cannot figure out who these leakers are.

The Chinese are always lying and attacking me, like climate change. The climate does not change, folks know that. I know the climate is very beautiful at every Trump golf course. I need to show you how to golf. It will be like Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore making that vase. You and Demi Moore have very similar hands, by the way. Very manly. Very hairy. Very huge. Very beautiful. The climate would just get better if folks used clean coal. Nothing is cleaner than coal. Nothing. Have you seen coal miners? They are the cleanest folks around. I must admit though, I love Chinese food. I can hold some orange chicken all by myself unlike those nasty double cheeseburgers. How can any-one hold those? I have huge hands and I still cannot hold them. Good thing the intern, Ben Carson, has even bigger hands than me, he must be from the NBA, so I have him hold the burgers for me.

I asked Steve Bannon what we should do to keep our relationship under wraps. He said he had a thing to do with Richard Spencer and disappeared into a closet. They must have been Skyping or something because there was a red glow coming under the door. He keep saying “Natas liah” over and over. Is that French? I have no idea. I do not speak any mumbo jumbo. I speak American. The Badman, that is Steve’s cool nickname that I made up, comes out of the closet with his favorite white hood on, it must be his thinking cap, and says he has an idea: we need to talk about health care.

Who would have thought health care is so complicated? There is just too much stuff involved so I had a pow-wow with my peeps about what we should include. Linda McMahon suggested that we keep maternity leave. That is just dumb. Babies do not come from women, folks know that. They come from storks, I have seen the Pixar documentary so I know what I am talking about. Jared Kushner, his nickname is Kushkush, suggested that we include mental health coverage like being artistic. Why would we cover that? Folks do not need a pat on the back for painting like Bob Ross. Bob Ross is overrated. His hair is too big and dumb.

Too bad those pesky Democrats, like Nancy Pool-osesi and Elizabeth Warr-dumb, will try to stop us from helping folks. I call Nancy Pelosi Poolosesi because she loses bigly and smells like buffalo butt breath. Elizabeth Warren is dumb so I call her Warr-dumb. I come up with the best nicknames. The best. No one makes nicknames better than me.

No one.

Oh god. Sassy Sally Yates is trying to break down the door. She wants to talk about Mike Fly-in, that is Michael Flynn’s cool nickname, and the Motherland. Devin Nunes is freaking out. He is not good in stressful situations, unlike me. Nunes finally yells “We can’t have this meeting. I’m…naked.” Perfect diversion. Nunes is fat, ugly and a cow. No one wants to see that. He looks like the male version of Rosie O’Donnell. Gross.

I have to go. Badman is going to let me sit in the big desk. I am really excited. I will see you soon my huge, beautiful grizzly bear.

Lots of love, Your Orange Sherbert XOxoXXoo Disclaimer: This is 100% fake.