THE TOPICS AND ISSUES COVERED IN THIS EDITION ARE NOT REAL NEWS.
… HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY.
SENIOR STAFF WRITER
1. Taxi Driver
Travis Bickle is a great character, and it’s impossible not to relate to him. But in an animated kid’s movie he needs to sing, and he needs to not be so down–even if that’s what every day of life is like when its unwise to talk about who’s in the basement.
2. Mad Max: Fury Road
This thrilling piece of the Mad Max series was gruesome and brilliant–but it could of truly thrived as a family oriented animation.Max’s passion sets a great example for impressionable children.
This movie would have been so much better if it had a happy ending. What if Kevin Spacey, Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman all hugged and they forgave Spacey for killing all of those people? Spacey didn’t even do that much to hurt them. He’s a good boy. Kevin Spacey should have been forgiven in a family friendly animated remake of “Seven.” He’s a good boy.
4. Blue Velvet
My lord, David. Too violent. Does Dennis Hopper have to breathe from a gas mask and hurt that poor girl? Why can’t he help the children instead? And who is Jeffrey Beaumont supposed to be a role model for? He just kills Frank at the end and that’s how he solves all his problems. Imagine if everyone dealt with their issues that way.
5. Boogie Nights
This movie is about. SEX. UN. BE. LIEVABLE. Just when it seemed movies couldn’t be a more immoral, they go and make a movie about sex. Instead of making “Boogie Nights” about S-E-X, let’s make it a remake of “Explorers.” Fun for the whole family and no satanic behavior!
6. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
Why make a movie about a serial killer and market it to children? Really, studios? He should be a serial juggler. He goes around, and he juggles balls and oranges for all the kids and everyone’s happy. Henry should learn a lesson at the end about how to be nice. Make a nice movie. These movies are unacceptable for role models like Hollywood producers.
7. Midnight Cowboy
This Oscar winner about a male prostitute was good, but it was just too inappropriate for kids! Why not make him a professional juggler? That’s much more fun. Mov-ies these days are way too inappropriate, not like the old days.
8. A Clockwork Orange
This Stanley Kubrick classic was too inappropriate for kids in its original form. What if instead of brutal sexual assault, Alex and his Droogs gave people hugs? That’s not all, instead of being addicted to sex, Alex can be addicted to puppies. Here’s a puppy. He’s really loveable, his name is Sheldon