THE TOPICS AND ISSUES COVERED IN THIS EDITION ARE NOT REAL NEWS.
… HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY.
Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
You know when you’re right. Get into a huge argument in your political science class. Refuse to concede.
Pisces (February 19- March 20)
What do you know? You’re another Pisces thinking they’re too smart to believe in horoscopes. Well you’re right. These are incredibly stupid.
Aries (March 21- April 19)
You need some socialization. Hang out with some of the doomsayers the next time they’re screaming at people on campus.
Taurus (April 20- May 20)
Lucky you! You have the same astral sign as George Clooney. There isn’t really anything else you need to know.
Gemini (May 21- June 20)
Go out and have some fun! Take your Scorpio friend to a late-night breakfast at Denny’s.
Cancer (June 21- July 22)
Who in their right mind named this astral sign? Seriously, they could have just called it “crab.” Sorry for whatever loser has this as their sign.
Leo (July 23- August 22)
Good fortune is your future! Liquidate your savings, drop out of school and invest in pumpkin farms.
Virgo (August 23- September 22)
A big change is coming up in your life. Change your major to a communication degree. If you’re already a communications major, then switch to a real major.
Libra (September 23- October 22)
The revolution is at hand! Pick up some anarchist literature and don’t stop talking about it.
Scorpio (October 23- November 21)
Fight your Gemini friend in a Denny’s parking lot.
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)
Treat yourself. You’ve earned it. You are hardworking, great looking and the same sign as the guy writing these ridiculous horoscopes.
Capricorn (December 22- Janurary 19)
Try to stop a Leo from investing in pumpkins. That can’t be a good investment.