Campus gone bananas: Escaped monkeys rampage through university

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***All stories published in this week’s Gateway are satirical and should be treated as such. None of the stories printed are factual and do not represent the actual intentions, feelings, or actions of any of the people mentioned.***

Photo Courtesy of Kelly Blast
Photo Courtesy of Kelly Blast

Kelly Bast
CHIEF DESIGN EDITOR

More than 50 marmoset monkeys escaped from captivity at the University of Nebraska at Omaha on Monday morning, wreaking havoc as they charged wildly across campus, panicked sources reported.

The ruthless creatures allegedly broke free from their enclosure within the Callitrichid Research Center before jumping out of an unlocked window and raging toward Milo Bail Student Center. Students, faculty and staff were immediately escorted off the UNO campus as a safety precaution.

“I left to pay for my Jimmy John’s delivery and then they were gone,” said now-dismissed CRC janitor Miles McCallum, whose reckless abandon and careless oversight has unleashed a terror of immeasurable proportions onto the Maverick community. “I always double-check the window locks. I guess I was too hungry to be thinking straight.”

Standing at a monstrous 7 inches in height, the furry beasts left behind a swath of devastation as they defecated on sidewalks and screeched triumphantly from the trees.

Live video from a security camera showed campus officials surrounding the Henningson Memorial Campanile they attempted to to reach a pair of the escaped marmosets. The rescue team struggled to use small nets to capture the primates climbing on the bell tower.

At press time, campus authorities had only located 17 of the nearly 60 marmosets on the loose. Henry Doorly Zoo primate keepers were later contacted for back up assistance.

While many UNO dorm residents avoided peril by staying indoors, the ear-tufted creatures continued to quench their insatiable hunger for the flesh of fruits and vegetables. In fact, the voracious pack of primates was said to only momen-tarily pause their mindless pursuit of nutrients when they climbed atop the Maverick Monument to coldly survey the university.

One horrified student — and self-proclaimed vegan — said she was forced to watch as a family of marmosets stormed Scott Café and demolished the week’s shipment of fresh produce, throwing their re-jected peel carcasses to the wayside.

“Those things are a menace,” said senior exercise science major Trevor Reisenfeld. “I just want to eat my lunch in peace and not have to fight off Curious George in the process.”

Though the marmosets left a chewed-up trail of vegetal remnants in their wake, numerous UNO commuter students admitted they had only witnessed the ravenous monkeys’ reign of horror via Snapchat.

“I’ve been dying to see UNO’s monkeys since the day I chose my degree program,” sophomore psychology major Haley Spaccarelli said. “Of course they escape on the one day I don’t have classes. It’s so unfair.”

The full extent of the damage caused by the half-pound creatures is not known, however many estimate it will make the MBSC remodel seem like an overnight job.

The official UNO Twitter account tweeted late Monday to the monkeys still at large.

“Sleep well, little marmosets,” the tweet read. It also pledged, “We’ll have you home soon. #MavSpirit.”

CRC animal care coordinators could not be reached for comment regarding the situation. Further investigation revealed a shocking lack of information as to the where-abouts of any CRC employees.

***All stories published in this week’s Gateway are satirical and should be treated as such. None of the stories printed are factual and do not represent the actual intentions, feelings, or actions of any of the people mentioned.***

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