SENIOR STAFF WRITER
DISCLAIMER.THE TOPICS AND ISSUES COVERED IN THIS EDITION ARE NOT REAL NEWS.
… HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY.
The 2020 election had more twists and turns than anyone in the media would have ever seen coming. First, there was the announcement that President Trump would get primaried by a relatively unknown entrepreneur from Gotham City. People didn’t even know where Gotham was, and are still sure. Reports place it somewhere between Seattle and Portland.
Bruce Wayne is young, charismatic, richer and his record showed that he was generally better at business than President Trump. He took the lead quickly. (Ted Cruz was also in the race too, but he didn’t last very long. He did however, take home the Guinness World Record for longest time crying like a little baby during his concession speech.)
The Democrats were equally chaotic. A record breaking number of 25 candidates were in the Democratic primary. Included were ex-pected choices like New York Senator Kristen Gillibrand, California Senator Kamala Harris, Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren and Minnesota Senator Al Franken. None lasted long.
The incoming candidates were eclectic to say the least, including disgraced comedian Bill Cosby, campaigning on loosening up regulations on sex crimes, along with Kim Kardashian, who had to run after she was forced to ground husband Kanye West for refusing to clean his room, and Vermont Senator Robo-Bernie Sanders.
“I want to make robotic enhancements accessible to everyone, they are really cool and I can shoot laser out of my eyes. This is the major theme of my new campaign, giving everyone laser beam robot eyes, and not just the top 1 percent of the top 1 percent!” Sanders said in an interview.
It got stranger, President John F. Kennedy ran for president again.
“I was saved at the last minute, and taken to live on an island with Kurt Cobain, John Lennon and Tupac. They’re rad dudes. Lots of babes there.”
The other Kennedy’s had mixed feeling about his return.
“I-i-i-i-i-i-i watched you die” muttered former ambassador Caroline Kennedy as she rocked back and forth in a fetal position.
“I was going to run for president this cycle, now what am I going to do?” said annoyed Massachusetts Representative Joe Kennedy.
Kennedy wasn’t the only former president returning. There was scandal when the reanimated corpse of former President Franklin Roosevelt entered the race. There were rumors that former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton used dark magic to revive him.
“Me? Dark magic?” Clinton laughed disingenuously. She then awkwardly dougied out of the room before any more questions could be asked. It was not easy, as she had an inexplicable mechanical arm for her right arm and a mechanical leg for her left leg.
The rumors went unproved.
It was a chaotic primary, with Kardashian accusing Cosby of trying to roofie her, he then had to withdraw.
“That is unacceptable. You must lay the moves on the ladies like a gentleman,” responded President Kennedy, who was later seen out with Mrs. Kardashian.
The winner of the primary, was re-animated President Roosevelt. He still had it. Bruce Wayne, like-wise, won on the Republican end. Zombie FDR nominated Hillary Clinton as his Vice-President.
“No, I am not pulling the strings, here!” Clinton later yelled to a sup-porter at a rally.
Wayne nominated former Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels, as he realized he could unite the party.
“I’m just fascinated by Bruce’s work ethic, I think he could actually do some good for the country, I truly admire the man” the Governor later responded.
The election was hot, with President Roosevelt drawing strong hints that Bruce Wayne had elicit ties to the Gotham vigilante Batman, which remained unproven. He even ran an ad with someone who claimed to be Batman’s archnemesis, The Joker…but it was the Jared Leto Joker so the ad tanked.
Roosevelt appeared to lead in the polls, before Bruce Wayne pulled a surprising sweep, taking the Presidency. Former President Roosevelt died before he could make his concession speech while Clinton locked herself in her hotel room.