Apple releases iGirlfriend


By Jasmine Maharisi, Editor-in-Chief

Steve Jobs has taken his multi-million dollar company to the next level and introduced the first ever iGirlfriend Monday.

“It’s magical,” Jobs said during his release presentation. “You’ll never have to buy a real girlfriend again.”

The iGirlfriend stands at five foot seven inches tall with an exterior built to model a real human woman between the ages of 21 and 25. She’s sold with two interchangeable outfits, but buyers will need to accompany their new iGirlfriend while shopping for clothing shortly after purchasing her.

“Beneath the clothes is a hands on, HD touch screen that can be used to check e-mail, channel surf or watch pornography,” Jobs said.

The iGirlfriend comes with applications that costumers can download from the Internet. Applications include the Exchange Student app, which allows the iGirlfriend to take on a sexy foreign accent; the Ditz app, allowing her to become a complete bimbo; and the Sugar Mama app, giving the iGirlfriend enough ambition to complete college and find a solid, professional job.

“There have been some kinks with the Sugar Mama app,” Jobs said. “We’ve received complaints about iGirlfriends leaving customers after they realize they’re dating complete losers. But we’re working on that.”

Consumers can also upgrade to the iGirlfriend Pro, allowing them to make and receive phone calls with a keypad and speaker located on her backside. Jobs demonstrated this feature on one of the models, putting his ear to her buttocks.

“Hey dad,” Jobs said into the phone. “It’s me, Steve! I’m calling from my new girlfriend!”

Overall, Jobs is quite proud of the latest Apple technology.

“Simply put, you can get rid of your cell phone and computer,” Jobs said. “You can get rid of your television. You can get rid of everything, including your pride. The iGirlfriend will take care of all that.”

But others are skeptical.

“This is the most sexist thing I’ve ever witnessed,” said Jennifer Williams, an Apple employee. “I’m humiliated that the company I work for would even think of such an invention.”

One Apple fan expressed concern about the depreciation value.

“I want one, I really do,” said James Brokov. “But just when I get her broken in, they’ll come out with a newer, better one.”

Apple will release the iGirlfriend to all major department stores next month. The retail price starts at $50,000.