Murphy rips hole in space-time continuum

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***All stories published in this week’s Gateway are satirical and should be treated as such. None of the stories printed are factual and do not represent the actual intentions, feelings, or actions of any of the people mentioned.***

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Zane Fletcher
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Fifteen years ago, on March 24, 2001 in a game between the Arizona Diamondbacks and the San Francisco Giants, Randy Johnson hit a moving bird with a pitch. It has since been established as one of, if not the most unique thing to happen to a pitch in an organized baseball game.

That has all changed.

In a recent game against Seton Hall, senior LHP Sam Murphy not only altered everyone’s perception about what a baseball can physically do, but he altered physics as a whole.

Known for his devastating curveball, opponents have dreaded facing Murphy during his entire career. While facing senior Pirate infielder Brett Fontenelli during the game in Emerson, Georgia, Murphy unleashed a curveball with such incredible rotation that the ball ripped a hole in the space-time continuum.

As the pitch began, nobody could have predicted the end result. John Jackson, the Emerson College associate physics professor who was in attendance that fateful day, attempted to explain the phenomena.

“As the pitch left Murphy’s hand, he was able to generate enough
rotation that the laces on the ball began to interact with molecules in the surrounding air,” Jackson said. “As the friction approached terminal points, the ball simultaneously began its curve, bringing with it the very fabric of our existence.”

Members of the audience report seeing an entirely separate dimension through the tear.

“I swear, I saw a completely different world,” attendee Sarah Williams claimed. “It was like looking through a portal. I can’t even describe how it feels to know there are other worlds out there.”

Coming on a 3-2 count with the bases loaded and two outs, the pitch came at a high-pressure time in the ballgame. Unfortunately, umpire Ed McKinley was nowhere to be found following the event, and he is believed to have been sucked through the portal.

“It was astounding,” Omaha coach Bob Herold exclaimed. “In my 17 years of coaching I have never seen anything like it.”

While the game ended in a 2-1 loss for the Mavericks, reports from the new dimension claim that the game ended in a 3-0 victory for Omaha, with Murphy pitching a perfect game.

Murphy was unavailable for comment, as his newfound role as shepherd between worlds has taken up a good deal of his time.

***All stories published in this week’s Gateway are satirical and should be treated as such. None of the stories printed are factual and do not represent the actual intentions, feelings, or actions of any of the people mentioned.***

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