Editor’s note: This story was part of our April Fool’s edition of the paper and is entirely satirical.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb.18): Host a family dinner and bring up politics. Create a rift that can never be fully healed.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): My boss has made me change this horoscope for “legalities.” Looks like you don’t get a horoscope anymore.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Destroy your computer. Sell your cellphone. Get off the grid. Eat berries in the wild. Become a mountain man.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Please send $10 to The Gateway arts & entertainment editor’s Venmo account to unlock this horoscope.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You share a zodiac sign with the president of the United States! Take that whatever way you want.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Who named this sign? I’ve literally never heard someone call a crab a “cancer.” Sucks to be this sign.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): You are in need of some fun! Plan an escape room with your Libra friend.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Remember that time you sold all your Bitcoins back in 2015? You should complain about that all the time.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Physically fight your Leo friend in an escape room.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Don’t be afraid to be yourself! Transform into a human-sized scorpion.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): *just guttural screaming*
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): I’m sorry, but I’m out of ideas. You’ll have to make up your own horoscope.